For You

This is written on a Hindi Series Iss Pyar Ko Kya Naam Doon - Watch it on Star Plus Monday to Friday 8 pm


For You

Her name had become a litany not only on his lips but the state of his mind. The restlessness that he had felt all day seemed to fade away with just one word. Khushi. She was here. The one person he had never thought he would wait for, long for, ask for and she was here.

"Did she know, I have been demented since yesterday ever since she had hugged Di?" He asked himself.  "How could she? He always said the wrongest things to her. "Ok, so she riled me but still, I seem to have bulldozed into her emotions without a thought to her feelings one too many times and now it was time to apologize. Why?" He wondered.

For dropping her from the office window, for calling her a gold digger, for paying her money, for shouting at her. Oh! alright I know the list and I am not going to name them all, but I need to apologize for my latest crime. For hurting her, for not understanding that she understood. But damn it! it hurt. All these years it hurt. I had it all controlled. But no, she had to poke her nose into every business of mine. She said, she knew how it felt to be left alone, to be orphaned to know that now there was no shelter from the rain, no shelter from the pain, no one to refrain nor anyone to complain. No one. But I still had Di. Who did she have? Her Aunt and Uncle? Her Jiji? Her Buaji? But they did not understand what she went through so how would they help and then he had seen them hug and he had felt his eyes well up like pools of emotion ready to spill over. He had gulped them again. Well it was habit. Big Deal. That's me, I can take it like a man. And now it was time to be a man and own up to the mistake I had made.

For her. He whispered, "For you! I will say sorry. " He went out to confirm that indeed she was here. He saw her dressed in a pink and gold polka dot anarkali salwar kameez. He frowned and then looked away as she caught him staring. "How do I apologize?" He mused, then squaring his shoulders, he walked down the steps towards her but she just turned and walked the other way to Lavanya's room. "Damn! She was not making this easy for me." He cursed, but then dude, he wondered, you had told her to get out of your home.

"Ok! I can do this." He muttered to himself and walked to Lavanya's room where, she was asking Khushi to fix her dress as something had gotten stuck. Before he could say anything, Lavanya excused herself to go the bathroom. He walked up to her and said, "Woh … kal  … "

She ignored him and walked away. He itched to hold her and ask her to listen to him when he spoke but he advised himself. Keep your cool! Just say sorry and be done with it. Then you are free.

Lavanya came out and saw him standing and asked sweetly, "Arnavji, aap ko kuch chahiye?"

"Yeah sometime alone with Khushi." His mind screamed. Why did Lavanya's Arnavji grated on his nerves? Why did her touch make him feel uncomfortable?

"Woh ... mein bhi aata hoon. Tum akeli kahan jaaogi party mein." Arnav heard himself say.

"Aap aaoge!" Lavanya exclaimed happy to see that he wanted to come to. "Oh! good! It will be fun ASR." She suddenly slipped into the Lavanya he was familiar with and that he did not mind, for he could deal with that. The changed Lavanya for some reason unsettled him. Why? Because, she then reminded him of Khushi too much. He ached for that to be her and found Lavanya wanting.

Lavanya came and hugged him. His eyes darted to Khushi, who had tried to turn away to give them privacy but had her head still turned towards them unable to look away. He stared at her, trying to tell her with his eyes I want to talk to you.

He changed into his suit and sat in the car with Lavanya in the front and Khushi in the back. All the way to the Party, he kept on looking at her, drinking in her face, her eyes, her lips wanting her to make eye contact in the mirror but she had turned her face resolutely looking out the window.

He told himself, "Bide your time, she will come around."

Once at the party, Lavanya mingled with the guests and friends leaving them standing side by side. But as he was about to try and speak with her, Lavanya had come back, pulling his arm to go on the dance floor. He had looked at Khushi as he let himself be dragged away from her. He felt he still left something of himself behind with her.

He danced with Lavanya, without pleasure. just going through the motions, eyes all the time searching for her, the loveliness in pink. Where was she? he frowned and then spotted her as she was going towards the door that led to the patio.

He was relieved when one of her friends sought Lavanya and he disentangled himself from her and excused saying he would back soon. He followed Khushi. She was standing outside, near the railing, looking at the moon.

"hey devi maiyya, kyon aap hamesha mujhe uss … uss.." She stopped wondering why she could not think of him as rakshas anymore? Because she had seen the man behind the mask, came the answer. She had seen the real him. But he was still so hurtful. He lashed out at her when it was not her fault. She had gone to let him know that she was sorry, she had called him a naastik. That she understood what he must be going through. For losing parents was like losing the shelter that protected you from all evil, all worries, all that was bad. She had felt exposed, raw after losing them, the way he had. He had spoken the words she could never speak, for saying them would mean her uncle and aunt would feel she was ungrateful. But she had shed tears, tears of understanding, tears that he did not seem to shed. She knew how it was to keep it all bottled in, hide behind a mask. A mask you could not risk taking off. But she had tried and failed. For he did not understand. He did not know but that should not be the reason for lashing out at her. Why did he always hurt her? Why did she let him hurt her?

She felt him. He was here. She turned to find him standing a few feet away. She tried to find a way of getting away from there but there was no way out behind her. She would have to pass him to get back in to the party hall.

She clenched her fists and moved, trying to keep as much distance between her and him as she almost hugged the wall to slink past him. He blocked. He put an arm out in front of her.

She stopped and turned her head to look at him staring at her.

"Raasta choriye." Khushi said softly.

"Mujhe kuch kehna hai." Arnav refused stubbornly.

"Kyon ab kya kehna baaki hai?" suddenly she lost her temper. "kaafi nahi tha, hamari aukaad dikhakar, hamari middle class mentality ko kos kar, hamari …." Khushi rattled off the list of things he had told her.

"Nahi, mujhe kuch aur kehna hai." Arnav said very softly.

"Hamein nahi sunana. Bahut sunn liya humne. Bahut seh li aap ki batamizzi. Humein agar apne Amma Babuji ka khayaal nahi hota. Unki tabiyaat agar itni kharab nahi hoti, toh hum kabhi aap ke yahan wapis nahi aate."

She tried again to leave, but he took a step towards her and she backed up.

"Khushi bas ek minute chupp ho jao aur mujhe sunn lo, please." His voice not as strong as he would have liked it to be for every word she told ricocheted his guilt.

Khushi had never heard that tone in his voice and stopped and stared at him. "Kahiye. kya kehna hai." finally she relented.

"Woh .. kal ke liye … tumse … mera matlab .. hai um… woh ..jo … maine um … kaha tha…"

"ASR, tum yahan ho. Chamkili, chalo, andar mein tumhein kisi se milwati hoon." Lavanya came in stopping him and she pulled both their hands to take them back on the dance floor.

Arnav stood as he watched Khushi trying to join but her eyes had kept returning to where he was standing. He then walked up to the DJ, remembering their song and dance in the bedroom and told him to put a song.

Suddenly the song played "Humse Rahoge kya hamesha khafa, Maaf bhi kar do jaana…" and La jumped up and down saying, "Ye toh Bobby Deol ka gaana hai…."  and pulled Khushi to the enactment of the song the way Bobby had done in the movie. Khushi's eyes were still riveted and she gaped when as the lyrics came to maaf kar do jaana, he held the lobes of his ear and mouthed, "maaf kar do"

She stopped dancing and walked towards him, wanting to ask him to not apologise for she knew she would always bounce back, despite his vile words,  for she had discovered the man within.

She had turned quieter as the party had progressed and was a little peeved when La pleaded sleep and sat in the back, pleasantly falling asleep on the seat. She looked at Arnav and he was looking at her. He put the car in gear towards her home and said, "Khushi, woh kal ke liye…. " and she stopped him with, "Shhh! Lavanayaji uth jaayengi. aaapko jo kehna hai baad mein kehna." then she turned her face and looked out the window as the need to look at him was overwhelming her.

Why did she feel this pull towards him? Why did she feel like smoothing the brows that were permanently scowling?

As they reach home and she went to remove the belt, his hand on her stilled her. She looked at his hand but he did not remove it. She looked up and he said, "Khushi, I am sorry."

Khushi stared at him wondering if she had heard him right. If this was the same man, who had arrogantly told her Arnav Singh Raizada kabhi maafi nahi mangta can ever say those three words to her?

She simply nodded and then he let her go. She went inside to find she was at peace suddenly. Something had changed between them. She could not believe he had done that for her.


For You lyrics - Tracy Chapman
There're no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Safe from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I had hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my emotions